Kindred Spirits

A Kindred spirit I've found. Soft, gentle eyes of darkest brown betray the torment within. To be alone with you, if only for a moment- to see inside the man who’s dark, haunting, incredibly beautiful poetry soothes my soul when put to song. To hold him in my arms would feel good- we are two souls- connected, tortured, haunted by the darkness of the world around us. Writing about it, keeps it at bay - his voice, encapsulating the thoughts of us unbalanced ones that hang by a thin thread - our demons, leashed, kept near enough to pull out and examine and then put away... 
We’re beautifully broken creatures covered with minuscule fractures that threaten to form deep fissures and crumble apart if the balance is leavened. Eyes wide shut, not letting go, tripping over tongues that lie wagging at our feet. Hiding in shadows, stealing away to the darkest corners to avoid finding what truth lies within; thinking too much in regards to negative things. 
 Sharpened knives, cutting sins left and right are the high and mighty in fortresses that promise forgiveness, but exculpate no one. Gossipers, spreading untruths- how could they know what we feel, what we share… Our spirits are bound, woven together with words of pain and sorrow, hope and faith, yet, no absolution from our tortured existence lies within reach. 
A Pagan of the flesh, I’m only human. Human’s - heathens all, sacrifices the ‘needy’ for the ‘holier than thou’ that fill the pews. 
Let the rituals begin. I’ll give God my life; I’ll give you my life- we can hold back the river- Runaway- Dress our selves in the affectation of who we want to be… We’ll hold each other until distant days have passed, until- until what… until the sun breaks to push aside the darkness? 
A fever-pitch of emotions flow through me… sickness- thoughts, tossed this way and that. An inferno in this hell-hole we call reality; reality sucks. 
When my time comes around they’ll lay me gently beneath the cold, dark ground- but no grave will hold my body down, I’ll rise back to earth. Pushed through the ground as a tiny green tendril that climbs upward to grasp the vessel that holds your essence trapped, frapped within an earthly embodiment… 
I want to look into those deep, brown eyes, drift into the flames and away from the nothingness that lies outside my personal bubble… I want to taste your tender rosebud mouth and gently caress your mind with dull, delusional thoughts of happiness… alas, I cannot. Staring into a firestorm, whose passionate prose seeps deep into my soul, I can barely tear my eyes away- I do not want to look away. Damn your eyes; they take my breath away. I want to get lost in them and stay there forever, even though loves perfect ache, would be sullied by the ash of sin… 
If only I could be the voice that sung inside your head when you were a child, I’d keep those that screamed, at bay. But then, again, maybe not… We’re kindred spirits- it’s your tortured soul and untamed demons that draws me to you… 

© 16 Jul 2015 Susan Cobb Beck aka Lila Beckham

Quick Notes

Quick notes to let everyone know what’s going on these days -
I finally finished "When the Yellow Mocker Calls" and it is available on Amazon as an E-book or Print book along with the rest of my books - Actually, I wrote it about 9 yrs ago; it was the first full novel I wrote; however, it had a different title and was published by an ‘un-reputable’ company, which I shall not name that held rights to it for 7 years. Biggest mistake of my writing career - I opted out of renewing my “Contract” in Feb so that I could revise it, properly publish it, and make it available at a reasonable cost- all of which needed attention way before now.
Emmy’s Journey was actually written, taking up where When the Yellow Mocker Calls so some of you who enjoyed Emmy’s Journey may want to read it or vise-versa - read When the Yellow Mocker Calls before reading Emmy’s Journey.

 The second novel I wrote is also tied up with the same company, and when my contract renewal comes up next year I plan to do the same and revise and publish it- I think y’all will enjoy it.

Obscurity - a Song of Myself Continues

Obscurity - a Song of Myself Continues

It amazes me how quickly a year can pass- It passes virtually unnoticed when one is catapulted through life unaware of their surroundings; or I should say, in denial of their surroundings. Another year has passed and here I am in the same predicament that I always find myself in when I take stock of reality. The many things I intended to do and never got around to are still waiting for me to finish them; they’ll continue to wait until I either get to them or I don’t. How is it that old saying goes - time waits on no one… It doesn’t - it can’t. Time marches to its own beat- tick tock, tick tock - take stock, take stock…

Desiring something, but not working toward it is called laziness - self depravation is more like it. Depriving one’s self of what could be or might have been because reality sucks dinosaur dicks and it actually takes several cups of sugar to turn lemons into lemonade.

I still haven’t written that great American novel- I haven’t even finished those I’ve started and at present, they number at least five - If the clock doesn’t slow down, I may find myself this time next year, sitting in the same obscure cubbyhole doing the same thing I’m doing now, which is piddling around- look up procrastinate in the dictionary and you’ll see my name printed next to it. However, the fact of the matter is - I desire to remain obscure, secure in my self-indulged pity and wallowing in the pigsty of a world that I’ve created in my mind… But, it’s alright - they know me there.

© 25, February, 2016 - A song of myself continues - Lila Beckham

I am a terrible blogger - updates to what's going on with me.

I am a terrible blogger - Nearly a year has come an gone since my last post and still I plug along- endeavoring to finish those things I started. For the time-being, the Sheriff, Joshua Stokes, is on the back-burner; his stories will have to wait until I finish the Historical Romance I'm writing that I think will be titled, Thomas and Allie. It is set in Charleston, South Carolina during the dark years of the Civil War. I am 65000 words into it and there is plenty more to go- Life interferes so often that I do not get to write as much as I'd like to.

At Just sixteen years of age, Allie Maples has met and fallen in love with Thomas Jackson, a young entrepreneur who at 24 owns his own shipping company- he becomes a blockade runner during the war, which keeps the separated much of the time.

Somewhat of a description of the two main characters is below.

Allie Maples has a sparkle in her eyes that draws men the way watermelon draws flies on a hot summer day. She is bright, self-assured, and beautiful. Even though she has not yet turned sixteen, she knows exactly what she wants out of life. Her ideal life is not, confined to a plantation as its mistress; she wants the exotic, she wants mystery, she wants travel and adventure. However, when Allie travels to Charleston, South Carolina with her mother to visit relatives at Christmas, in the year 1860, the last thing she expects is to meet and fall in love with a handsome young Yankee.

Thomas Jackson is dashing and debonair- he is a handsome, independent, young entrepreneur who currently makes his home in Charleston. So far, he has avoided being caught up in any young woman’s web that was looking to wrangle a marriage proposal out of him; however, the first time he lays eyes on Allie Maples, of Savannah, Georgia, he determines to make her his. Allie is excitingly different from the other young women he has known. Her dark, copper colored hair, olive complexion, and emerald green eyes spark a fire in him that even a looming War Between the States is unable to extinguish…  However, the war threatens to keep them apart when the Northern forces begin blockading Southern ports…
 

Now enters Christopher Andrews - a young Confederate Sergeant that falls in love with Allie at his uncles birthday ball. Allie is also very attracted to him...

Will the war and Christopher Andrews succeed in ripping them apart or will true love find a way?

Mystified - a Song of Myself - continues

Mystified

Time passes swiftly during daylight hours- however, the long hours of darkness seem to drag on forever. 

The first month of this New Year is quickly departing- the past year left me drained and confused. Its upending of a way of life has been devastating. There were many days that bewildered me with their normalcy; they were received with gratitude. Oftentimes, the days were shaded with drab shadows that hung over my very existence, smothering me until my breath was hard to find.

Depression follows desperation; at times, sitting here staring out to sea, I wallowed in its sweet anguish like a pig left to wallow in its own feces, sinking further and further into self-examination. Why do I think the things I think and feel the things I feel…

Often, weeks passed under a dark shroud of mystery that left me wondering if this would be the day that ended it all. Would a bomb drop out of the sky and end this complete an utter misery that plagued me…

I do not pretend to be rid of the darkness- I am not able; it has become a part of me. At times, I let the darkness consume my mind and dictate my thoughts. My obscurity- that of being one in many that are suffering the same change of venue is easily accepted. Time marches on- no one can stop what is happening… not even God it seems.

Worrying a colorful image of an unchangeable past is an ominous blurry vision of the present; my heart and mind is in a constant state of fluctuation and confusion… occasional clarity of thought lends a coherent method of management of life.

Of what the future holds, no one knows exactly. And without verbalizing exactly what keeps plaguing my thoughts, I cannot be true to myself.  I know that it will be neigh-on impossible to stop the progression of my thoughts from light to dark, to darkest dark.  It’s as if they come and stand over my shoulder, dictating what they want me to think and feel and put forth onto paper…

Mystified - a Song of Myself - continues © 20 January 2015 Susan C Beck aka Lila Beckham

Tethered - a song of myself

Tethered; chains of pain and misery - heavy of heart, pupating, subjugated. My soul yoked to an earthly body that no longer serves a purpose, other than to exist. A much older version of my once youthful self, I persist; hopeful that circumstance will change. Hanging on to what might’ve, could’ve, would’ve, and should’ve been. Longing for salvation from an aging, pain wracked- touché, a tortured existence. Karma- what a bitch- it hits hard; payback for a wayward teen who wanted to runaway from it all. To run away from all who want to tell you what to do. A fraction of my former self-remains, buried deep within exquisite memories- lies, all lies; my life was never quite exquisite. There were a few pleasant days and pleasurable events destroyed by hellish ones that dragged on and on, for eternity it seems. I have outlived all my lovers but one and many others in my life I cared about, only to wonder why… I lie awake wondering what keeps me waking in the dawn; surely, it is not the will to die but to live. Even in pain and misery, I rise. Obligations wait - defenseless little ones and animals that depend on others for their survival- why am I the only one who cares; I care too much. I long to be selfish, careless, rich beyond the gratitude of a child who thinks the sun rises and sets over my head. I long to think only of my wants and needs- they’re never met. A bluebird alights outside my window- its eyes stare, vacant- does it enjoy life? The evergreen bush sheds its old leaves only after new ones have sprouted- does it take joy in renewal? Rebirth in the spring, after months of dying and decay- does the joy of spring ring true. What is the purpose of life? Surely, it is not to live in misery… They’re questions I will never know the answer to; never get the chance to fully explore… I want to live life the way it was meant to be lived, not tethered to a guilty conscious when I gather joy from what I am doing… I want to rise when I wake without an obligation beyond emptying my bladder- beyond… what. What else is there? Nothing; there is nothing beyond a pallid penal existence strapped into the Queens Throne I’ve positioned myself in… always wanting to be- having been bred to be matriarch of the family. As the days grow short, I grow weary… tired, so tired… but I cannot give up; maybe there is a chance that one day, one day I will rise up and cast off this self-positioned crown; cut away the chains of misery and run un-tethered through a sun-drenched meadow… 

Song of Myself - Tethered © 14 Dec 2014 Susan C Beck aka Lila Beckham

The Characters Write the Story

As everyone can guess, I am not a blogger. I write fiction - well, most times I take a little reality and throw in a lot of idealism which amounts to the same thing- so when it comes to telling you all what’s going on in my life I get what most would call “Writers Block”. I am a loner; a closed mouthed type personality; I don’t like to put my personal life/business in the street nor do I splatter it across social media sites. However, I realize that as a writer I owe it to my readers to let y’all know what is going on with my writing, so I will try to share what is up with us these days. As most of you know, I write under several personalities/names, most frequently the Lila Beckham personality takes over. She is more open when it comes to communicating with the Characters- she lets them run wild, while I am more controlling and tend to over-think them and try to analyze what they try to convey, which slows the process a great deal; therefore, it is a constant battle. Once Lila has wrestled the reins from me, she lets the character develop into what they want to be, not what we wish them to be. I hope that makes sense. (The Characters Write the Story) Lila is the one “The Sheriff” Joshua Stokes, talks with most; they have a good rapport and write well together - if you ask me, she is a little more invested than she ought to be- I think she believes he will come to life one day and they can ‘be together’ if you know what I mean. Right now, Lila has several books going - the latest adventure with the Sheriff they’re calling “Markers” is due out Nov 15, 2014

- but, they’ve also delved into the next in the series and say they should have it finished by late spring/early summer of 2015. She is splitting her time between the Sheriff and a new cast of Characters that have come to life in a new ‘Historical Scorcher’ as she refers to it, that she has titled “Desireé - the Memoirs of Desireé de Comte Lafontaine”

And, she’s right, it is Sizzling - it makes me blush just reading over her shoulder as they write! I am eager for our readers to read it but also anxious about it. Come November, we will catch up with what has been going on with ‘The Sheriff’ - and for everyone’s Christmas, we will introduce the characters of Desireé. I also have several irons in the fire that I work on when time allows- there just aren’t enough hours in the day folks ;)


Update - computer crashed - had to go with a different cover and I changed the title to Salomé  pronounced Sal-lo-mae. It's on Amazon, listed under L Beckham