Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Mystified - a Song of Myself - continues

Mystified

Time passes swiftly during daylight hours- however, the long hours of darkness seem to drag on forever. 
The first month of this New Year is quickly departing- the past year left me drained and confused. Its upending of a way of life has been devastating. There were many days that bewildered me with their normalcy; they were received with gratitude. Oftentimes, the days were shaded with drab shadows that hung over my very existence, smothering me until my breath was hard to find.
Depression follows desperation; at times, sitting here staring out to sea, I wallowed in its sweet anguish like a pig left to wallow in its own feces, sinking further and further into self-examination. Why do I think the things I think and feel the things I feel…
Often, weeks passed under a dark shroud of mystery that left me wondering if this would be the day that ended it all. Would a bomb drop out of the sky and end this complete an utter misery that plagued me…
I do not pretend to be rid of the darkness- I am not able; it has become a part of me. At times, I let the darkness consume my mind and dictate my thoughts. My obscurity- that of being one in many that are suffering the same change of venue is easily accepted. Time marches on- no one can stop what is happening… not even God it seems.
Worrying a colorful image of an unchangeable past is an ominous blurry vision of the present; my heart and mind is in a constant state of fluctuation and confusion… occasional clarity of thought lends a coherent method of management of life.
Of what the future holds, no one knows exactly. And without verbalizing exactly what keeps plaguing my thoughts, I cannot be true to myself.  I know that it will be neigh-on impossible to stop the progression of my thoughts from light to dark, to darkest dark.  It’s as if they come and stand over my shoulder, dictating what they want me to think and feel and put forth onto paper…

Mystified - a Song of Myself - continues © 20 January 2015 Susan C Beck aka Lila Beckham

Tethered - a song of myself

Tethered; chains of pain and misery - heavy of heart, pupating, subjugated. My soul yoked to an earthly body that no longer serves a purpose, other than to exist. A much older version of my once youthful self, I persist; hopeful that circumstance will change. Hanging on to what might’ve, could’ve, would’ve, and should’ve been. Longing for salvation from an aging, pain wracked- touché, a tortured existence. Karma- what a bitch- it hits hard; payback for a wayward teen who wanted to runaway from it all. To run away from all who want to tell you what to do. A fraction of my former self-remains, buried deep within exquisite memories- lies, all lies; my life was never quite exquisite. There were a few pleasant days and pleasurable events destroyed by hellish ones that dragged on and on, for eternity it seems. I have outlived all my lovers but one and many others in my life I cared about, only to wonder why… I lie awake wondering what keeps me waking in the dawn; surely, it is not the will to die but to live. Even in pain and misery, I rise. Obligations wait - defenseless little ones and animals that depend on others for their survival- why am I the only one who cares; I care too much. I long to be selfish, careless, rich beyond the gratitude of a child who thinks the sun rises and sets over my head. I long to think only of my wants and needs- they’re never met. A bluebird alights outside my window- its eyes stare, vacant- does it enjoy life? The evergreen bush sheds its old leaves only after new ones have sprouted- does it take joy in renewal? Rebirth in the spring, after months of dying and decay- does the joy of spring ring true. What is the purpose of life? Surely, it is not to live in misery… They’re questions I will never know the answer to; never get the chance to fully explore… I want to live life the way it was meant to be lived, not tethered to a guilty conscious when I gather joy from what I am doing… I want to rise when I wake without an obligation beyond emptying my bladder- beyond… what. What else is there? Nothing; there is nothing beyond a pallid penal existence strapped into the Queens Throne I’ve positioned myself in… always wanting to be- having been bred to be matriarch of the family. As the days grow short, I grow weary… tired, so tired… but I cannot give up; maybe there is a chance that one day, one day I will rise up and cast off this self-positioned crown; cut away the chains of misery and run un-tethered through a sun-drenched meadow… 

Song of Myself - Tethered © 14 Dec 2014 Susan C Beck aka Lila Beckham

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Characters Write the Story

As everyone can guess, I am not a blogger. I write fiction - well, most times I take a little reality and throw in a lot of idealism which amounts to the same thing- so when it comes to telling you all what’s going on in my life I get what most would call “Writers Block”. I am a loner; a closed mouthed type personality; I don’t like to put my personal life/business in the street nor do I splatter it across social media sites. However, I realize that as a writer I owe it to my readers to let y’all know what is going on with my writing, so I will try to share what is up with us these days. As most of you know, I write under several personalities/names, most frequently the Lila Beckham personality takes over. She is more open when it comes to communicating with the Characters- she lets them run wild, while I am more controlling and tend to over-think them and try to analyze what they try to convey, which slows the process a great deal; therefore, it is a constant battle. Once Lila has wrestled the reins from me, she lets the character develop into what they want to be, not what we wish them to be. I hope that makes sense. (The Characters Write the Story) Lila is the one “The Sheriff” Joshua Stokes, talks with most; they have a good rapport and write well together - if you ask me, she is a little more invested than she ought to be- I think she believes he will come to life one day and they can ‘be together’ if you know what I mean. Right now, Lila has several books going - the latest adventure with the Sheriff they’re calling “Markers” is due out Nov 15, 2014
- but, they’ve also delved into the next in the series and say they should have it finished by late spring/early summer of 2015. She is splitting her time between the Sheriff and a new cast of Characters that have come to life in a new ‘Historical Scorcher’ as she refers to it, that she has titled “Desireé - the Memoirs of Desireé de Comte Lafontaine”
And, she’s right, it is Sizzling - it makes me blush just reading over her shoulder as they write! I am eager for our readers to read it but also anxious about it. Come November, we will catch up with what has been going on with ‘The Sheriff’ - and for everyone’s Christmas, we will introduce the characters of Desireé. I also have several irons in the fire that I work on when time allows- there just aren’t enough hours in the day folks ;)


Update - computer crashed - had to go with a different cover and I changed the title to Salomé  pronounced Sal-lo-mae. It's on Amazon, listed under L Beckham

Monday, May 19, 2014

Busy as all get out!

I have not forgotten about you folks, just been busy as all get out! I have a few irons in the fire besides taking care of routine household stuff so my different personalities are juggling for turns to do what they do best -- just wish one of them liked to clean house! LOL. I finished Fallout (A Joshua Stokes Mystery) it is the second in the series with Dumping Grounds being the first. It is available on Amazon.com/books in both e-book and print form so I have been busy trying to promote it along with all my other books that are already published. To Date, I have written ten books that are on Amazon under either my real name or one of my pseudonyms. Currently, "the Sheriff" and I have been working on the third installment in the Joshua Stokes Mysteries, it will be called "Markers" — look for it this fall. Along with a few characters I told y'all about in a previous blog, I am also channeling the spirit of a young woman from the early 1800's who calls herself Desireé, She is turning out to be an interesting character if I do say so myself. Therefore, I have eased her to the back-burner to simmer until I can devote more time to her. Until next time, keep it between the ditches. Susan aka Lila aka Samuel ;)

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Hours, Days, Weeks, Months, and Years seemingly pass by with each Tick of the Clock

Time; they say that time flies when you’re having fun. Well, I am here to tell you that it flies either way! I take a breath and wonder, where did it go. It seems as if only yesterday, I was a young girl running barefoot through the fields around my father's home, and suddenly, today, I am an old woman. I have been busy writing. The 24th I published another e-book. It is called Annabelle’s Diary. She was who set me on this time exploration thought process. And, I wondered, do I write to keep from facing reality; the reality that I am growing older each minute and dread it consequences? The more I thought on it the more I rejected the notion. I write because they need me to. By them, I mean the characters. Each of them has a story to tell and it seems that I am the only one listening. Sometimes, they come to me and introduce themselves; at other times, I am drawn into their conversations and have to catch up! Take for instance the aforementioned Annabelle. She come to me one day and her story began with these simple words. “I was born the summer of Eighteen Hundred and Fifty Two on my father’s plantation near Savannah, Georgia. Birthed by the plantation midwife, Mary, who said I come so easy and quiet into this world that at first she feared me dead. Even after rousing me and washing me, she said I remained so. She and Mother both said I was a good baby; I never fussed unless wet or hungry. Even then, Mary said that I was quiet with my fussing.” She wasn’t pushy or loud. Her voice had a deep southern drawl and was a soothing as my grandmothers voice was. Immediately, that was who she became in my mind, my grandmother. Now, when I say that I hear them or they introduce themselves, I don’t mean that I hear a physical voice or that they appear before me; I’m not crazy, or at least I don’t think I am. What I hear is not in my ears, it is inside my mind… I have wondered if I were a channel - a means of communication - for these souls. Each has a unique voice and I can see them in my mind as clearly as I see anything in the physical world. The other day, I heard a young male character speaking; and, when I pay attention to him, he says “In easeful-death, I roamed; a soul lost to Damnation, doomed to roast in Purgatory forever and ever. I knew that dead, was what I was, and that Purgatory was where I was, because my father would always yell, ‘Damn your soul to Purgatory’ when he was mad at someone, and he was mad at me. The fear of his wrath was what had always kept me in line, but not this time; this time, I was willfully disobedient. Many a time, he had warned me that if he ever caught me fraternizing with those heathens in Tidewater Bayou, he would beat me within and inch of my life; and I had intentionally ignored his warning not to go to old Nanny Rue’s house in the bayou. Nanny Rue was an old black woman that told futures and mixed potions for folks who’d come seeking her advice or her assistance with personal matters. Even matters of the heart, health or in general they just needed to know something, and I needed to know about Jubal. Jubal Lafourche is my best friend in the whole world; he has been since we was in the first grade. No one knows where Jubal is. Neither his maw nor any of his twelve brothers and sisters either. And after having talked with his kin, I knowed for sure that something was wrong. They themselves even said that it wasn’t like Jubal to just disappear, especially like that, when we had made plans to go fishing.” When I heard his voice, I knew his name was Samuel LeBlanc, he lived in Louisiana and that he was born with one leg shorter than the other. I knew that Jubal Lafourche had one arm that was smaller and drawn up close to his body. I cannot wait to see where his story leads. Several months ago, I had a visit from a Southern Belle; another soul from Louisiana that wants her story told; her name is Desiree Evereld de Comte. She came to me and introduced herself this way: “I was born in a canebrake in the Bayous of Southern Louisiana during a pre-harvest burn; it was the fall of 1825. On the night I was born, another child died; we were born the same instant. She took only one small breath; I came out kicking and screaming. I must have known that my row would be a tough one to hoe. Mi mamán, Anasazi de Comte, was caught en el campo; she was spreading fire through the cane fields when her fluid broke. She said it spewed forth as a river that had broken through the levee and flooded the land with bloody water that sizzled and come to a boil before it soaked into the scorched, dry earth. I never was fond of the name, Desiree Evereld de Comte, but I was born with it, therefore, the name fused with my body at birth. Chosen by my mother, christened by the parish priest with my white mother and father in attendance, they were already looking ahead to the gala they would throw to celebrate my sixteenth birthday. Anasazi and Angelique exchanged knowing looks; if my birth had gone as intended I would have been auctioned off to the highest bidder upon my sixteenth birthday. Little did they know at that time that she had given birth to the future bride of Blanchard de La Fontaine, owner of the largest sugarcane plantation, west of N’awlins… Mamán give me that fancy name in hopes that one day I would live a better life than she had. Too bad, she could not see into the future, as Madame Laveau of the French Quarter did; if so, she might have choked the life out of me the moment I tore through the membrane that separated her body from mine. It would have saved her a world of hurt and humiliation. My birth mother was a high yellow, a Quadroon named Anasazi. She had three white grandparents and one colored grandparent. That is where the saying ‘There was a nigger in the woodpile’ originated from. No matter how many generations go by, you cannot breed it out; occasionally a Negro child will be born of white parents… Anasazi was not meant to be working the fields of a plantation; she was meant to be the mistress of a rich a white man of means, a Creole. Bred to placate men, she was to enter into placage when she turned sixteen. Placage is the marriage between a white man and a quadroon or an octoroon. Some mulattoes are allowed to enter into these marriages, if their skin is a shade that is light enough to be pleasing to the eye. However, it was not to be. Anasazi’s white father died, leaving her and her mother unprotected. Upon his death, his white wife sold her into slavery on her sixteenth birthday. This woman has a voice that is reminiscent of my cousin, Donald’s wife Anna, when she first comes from New Orleans… Anyhow, while they are talking I am listening and trying to write it all down. I know that in the end it will make perfect sense. I am having a little more trouble with my character Joshua Stokes and his latest mystery. Since I invented him, I try too hard to control what he says and does. Maybe I need to loosen the reins on him and just turn him loose ;)

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Road Map of Life

My mother lived a hard life and her face was like a road map of that life. It had peaks and valleys and trails that traveled a ways across it and then ended somewhere near her jaw line or hairline. Some of those crevices were so profound and jagged that if you were a piss ant trying to cross them, they would have seemed like the Grand Canyon, especially as she grew older. There was even the occasional creek on the map; it would be up near the corner of her eye as she let a tear slip in times of grief. In my younger years I didn’t understand mama; I’m talking about my teenage years because up until then, she was right as rain, at least as far as I can remember. Although, I do remember walking along the highway with her one time and she was toting a suitcase; it was her, my older brother, and me and she was toting my baby brother who was not even walking at the time. We had walked maybe a mile from home and then along come my daddy to take us back home. I can remember him driving toward us on the highway, and I can see him and the car as plain as day… I know they were fussing but I do not remember any of the details; I could not have been any more than four and a half at the time. I believe that is my third memory of existence. The ones of my brother chopping me in the head with a hoe, and of turning me loose down a steep hill on his bicycle is strong, as is he setting fire to the grass in the field. There are several small glitches besides that, but nothing definitive until I was school age. The reason I brought up that I did not understand Mama was that once I neared my teens and becoming a teenager, so did she. She became young and free again, living vicariously through me… she went to work on the nursery so that she could buy me stylish clothes and took me roller skating and to the river to go swimming. I could talk her into anything, it seemed. Once in a while, she would skip work and let me skip school. We would stop in Wilmer and get a hamburger and then we would ride the back roads to the river or go visit with relatives around the county. She taught me how to drive the stick shift and let me drive all over the place even though I was only about thirteen… The older I got the more I realized that it was not right for her to be doing that. However, the older I got it seemed like the younger she did or rather acted as she did… and that was when we grew apart. She and daddy married when she was only fourteen and after I got older, I realized that that was why she was doing some of the things she was doing; she had never lived through the teen experience. Married at fourteen, she had my older brother a week after she turned fifteen, then another baby at seventeen; a little girl born without a soft palate; she lived only a couple of months. She had me when she was eighteen, my younger brother was born four years later, then she carried a baby full term - a little girl that was stillborn. Then she had us another brother four years after the other brother. That was when she really began to rebel… drinking and running wild. Six years later, she birthed my sister and then four years after that, our baby brother. When he was six weeks old, she ran off and was gone of over a week, leaving Daddy to care for him. I was married and living in Lucedale at the time so I did not know anything about it until after it was done with. It seemed like after that wild burst, she settled down with the running around, but she didn’t stop drinking. During all those years, she was in again out again in church and her relation with Jesus Christ. It would not be until after I had my own children that I could understand just a smidgen of what she might have gone through as a young mother… I was in my twenties before I had my two oldest children and I remember being twenty six years old and sitting in the floor crying because of how stressful it was to have one under one year old, and one that was four and a half… she was just a child raising children. I can only imagine what she went through losing her babies… we became close again as I raised my own children. She was a good woman that suffered life. She had many demons that she fought through the years but in the end, she won the battle; she reunited with Christ, she was saved. I am sure that she sits at his feet in heaven. Today, September 13, 2013 she would have been seventy-seven years old. We lost Mama Jan 23, 2005 to a long list of health issues unrelated to her other battles of life. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I miss her now more than ever as I too grow old and have begun to have many of the same health problems. One day we will see one another again. Love you Mama <3 Happy Birthday!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Y’all bear with me; I have too many irons in the fire

Y’all bear with me; I have too many irons in the fire I have too many things going on, so many that it is hard to separate them at times. Do you ever feel the urge to just beat someone’s face to a bloody pulp because of the way they look at you? Well, I do - all the time. The only thing that saves them is my ability to separate fantasy from reality - my fantasy would ultimately land me in jail. LOL My characters have begun to carry over into my real life space. What I mean by that is that I find myself in character even now, as I write this. At the moment, I am the Sheriff, Joshua Stokes. He is the protagonist (Lead Character) of my novel Dumping Grounds and the sequel is going to be Awesome! I have decided to call it Fallout. I reckon I am in character because I have been writing the sequel and when I quit writing so that I can do something else, I am afraid that I will lose him. I am also writing a short story to enter into a contest and I am working on at least five more novels that I want to finish and publish; besides all of that, I am cooking, washing, and cleaning for my family - I am exhausted! Marketing me as a writer and marketing my books takes a fair amount of energy and time. Y’all, my fans, can help by telling people about my books and writing reviews on them on sites like Amazon and Good Reads and this place called Shelfari that is a part of Amazon. Til next time, adieus ;) Fallout Cover