Time passes swiftly during daylight hours- however, the long hours of darkness seem to drag on forever.
The first month of this New Year is quickly departing- the past year left me drained and confused. Its upending of a way of life has been devastating. There were many days that bewildered me with their normalcy; they were received with gratitude. Oftentimes, the days were shaded with drab shadows that hung over my very existence, smothering me until my breath was hard to find.
Depression follows desperation; at times, sitting here staring out to sea, I wallowed in its sweet anguish like a pig left to wallow in its own feces, sinking further and further into self-examination. Why do I think the things I think and feel the things I feel…
Often, weeks passed under a dark shroud of mystery that left me wondering if this would be the day that ended it all. Would a bomb drop out of the sky and end this complete an utter misery that plagued me…
I do not pretend to be rid of the darkness- I am not able; it has become a part of me. At times, I let the darkness consume my mind and dictate my thoughts. My obscurity- that of being one in many that are suffering the same change of venue is easily accepted. Time marches on- no one can stop what is happening… not even God it seems.
Worrying a colorful image of an unchangeable past is an ominous blurry vision of the present; my heart and mind is in a constant state of fluctuation and confusion… occasional clarity of thought lends a coherent method of management of life.
Of what the future holds, no one knows exactly. And without verbalizing exactly what keeps plaguing my thoughts, I cannot be true to myself. I know that it will be neigh-on impossible to stop the progression of my thoughts from light to dark, to darkest dark. It’s as if they come and stand over my shoulder, dictating what they want me to think and feel and put forth onto paper…
Mystified - a Song of Myself - continues © 20 January 2015 Susan C Beck aka Lila Beckham
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